Der Weg

An Introduction into the View of Tantric Buddhism

from Sita Vajramati

The word Tantra triggers ambivalent feelings, attraction and defense. Our ability to perceive and to absorbe knowledge is hindered. There are Hindu and Buddhist Tantra.They differ fundamentally. In order to find an approach to Buddhist Tantra, it is vital to understand its specific point of view. The view is the way you look at yourself, the world and its phenomena. This determines a certain understanding a corresponding behavior and the sense you give to your life. Nowadays one would refer to paradigm instead of view.
Tantra interprets life in a particular paradigm. The underlying point of the Tantric paradigm is nonduality. In that way Tantra makes the objective of the path of liberation the starting point.

1. Life is sacred - because everything is life, everything is sacred.

Theoretically, we may agree with this statement, but it is difficult to apply it to everyday life. Nature, plants and animals, beauty, a newborn baby - all this we can easily perceive as sacred. But our human world with its injustice, distress, and the violence, that we encounter every day? In this respect our common mind says: „No“ .
Correct! – It is not about conquering our intellect but to look more deeply. What is the tantric view based on? To what extent is everything to be regarded as sacred?

Everything that appears, expresses life, there are endless forms. Some forms of life have already disappeared, as have certain plants and animal species. New species emerge, large, small, male, female, beautiful, ugly, thick and thin; minerals, plants, animals and humans, all these forms manifest life and do not differ from each other in this respect.

Evolution shows the unlimited creative expression of life, and in this sense all forms are equally holy. All forms of life are perfect in themselves. They have their own inner order, they grow, flourish, replant themselves, and perish. They regenerate, they are in contact with other forms of life, and they are creative by re-creating and nourishing other beings. In the extremely sensitive ecological circuits, we realize that everything is related to one another in a harmonious order and expresses the wisdom of life.

The term tantra expresses this view symbolically.Tantra literally translates into fabric.
We can imagine a piece of fabric: nothing is better, neither the lower nor the higher, neither the left nor the right. A fabric can be turned in all directions and woven on. In this respect, there is no center and no periphery. Every point of the fabric is equally important, nothing can be dispensed with, nothing can be extracted without the complete fabric being destroyed. The crossing point of the horizontal (weft) and the vertical thread (chain) is connected to all other crossing points. Each transverse thread is cut from all longitudinal threads and inverted. The fabric bears and holds only as one piece. With the transverse thread, beautiful as well as unsightly patterns can be woven in. They do not harm the whole tissue.
These patterns symbolize the designs of life – may they create happpiness or suffering -nevertheless life goes on. This indestructible continuity is symbolized by the longitudinal thread. The image of the fabric is compatible only with egalitarian democratic structures and not with conceptions of hierarchy. In today's language we would use the term matrix.

Historically, Tantra was a religious movement with social effects too. It took up large sections of the population and reached its heyday in the eighth century in the northern part of India. Consequently in the nondualistic view of Tantra all beings, men and women were to be regarded as equals with the same value. It was a provocation for the cast system of the Indian society. Today Tantra is a living practice of Buddhism all over the world.

Back to the application of the nondualistic view in our everday life.
If we try to make it our own, how do we regard what is obviously unholy? Natural catastrophes and man-caused ecological crises are expressions of life too. In 1870, a huge volcano erupted in Indonesia, the sun darkened so much that a famine broke out in Switzerland. What is unholy about it? It is difficult for the humans to survive but you can`t judge it morally. But when people build nuclear power stations in earthquake areas, this means disregarding natural laws and disregarding life. It is only a matter of time until the consequences occur. If a human being under ego-delusion thinks to be able to control life as he or she wishes, than negative consequences will follow. These consequences will occur through the laws of nature. They do not suddenly drop out from the sky . They are calculable and occur with certainty. It is only a matter of time.

In Buddhism, this inner conditional context is called Karma: All causes have effects. In the sacred tissue of life, everything is continuous because everything is linked to one another.
The effect as such is an expression of life. It shows us the wisdom of life and is sacred, no matter whether it hurts us or not. Whoever sees conditioned development sees the Dhamma, the Buddha teaches.

We see that we can maintain the nondual perspective "Everything is sacred" even with regard to unwelcome effects. Life itself becomes the spiritual teacher for us as individuals and for mankind as a whole. If we are hostile to life in our small private environment, we will sooner or later experience an ecological catastrophe, for example in the form of illness.
We can learn from this.

Suffering is caused in our mind by the difference between the wisdom of life and our egocentric blindness. Suffering is also holy because it wakens us up.
Buddha did not morally condemn the blindness, he described it as a basic ignorance, which can be overcome by spiritual training. But we are in danger of condemning ourselves and others.

2. Once all is holy, we too are holy.

The nondual view leads to the logical conclusion: once all is holy, we too are holy. For all living things are an expression of life. It is difficult to accept this conclusion for ourselves. Is this not bordering on blasphemy? We are aware of our mistakes, weaknesses and imperfections. We are by no means the perfect person, we would like to be. And if that were the case, it would also apply to violators and all those who have hurt us and done us wrong.

But if we look at everything, the fabric of the matrix of life, there is no rational reason to exclude any person or ourselves from holiness. Each individual is - as it is - a unique incarnation of life and has the whole universe as its base, so Lama Anagarika Govinda says.

How can we approach this view? Only when we look deeper into the essence of what is meant: What is holiness? To what extent does this apply to us?
Like all living things, we humans are self-regulating, adaptable, dynamic units. We are creative and transformable. We are endowed with sensitivity, awareness, perception and the ability to act. We are perfect, but not in a moral sense. We embody a harmonious order, which can sustain itself in life, which grows, unfolds, multiplies, and dissolves its form and which is capable of wisdom and love. These qualities and faculties are applied in every human individual. All have the same potential. In Buddhism, it is called Buddhanature.
Seen from this fundamental dimension, it is easier to consider humans as such and ourselves as beeing sacred.

Through such considerations, we can theoretically approach the nondual perspective.
To feel and to experience it, is a totally different matter. But that's the point. The tantric exercises of visualisation are aligned with this. It represents our natural holiness in the form of deities. The concept of divinity can easily be misunderstood. We are thinking of the Greek gods, or of the gods of the nature religions, who oppressed man with their mighty and powerful forces. People believed in their objective existence. But the deities of Tantric Buddhism have nothing to do with faith. They are visualized in meditation. The aim of the exercise is to make our consciousness familiar with the universal forces that shape life. These forces work in us and through us, bringing forth the world of phenomena that we perceive with our senses. In order to support the meditative visualization they are symbolically represented on thangkas (roll images) and as sculptures. That is why they are called meditation deities. These divinities and ourselves are not different from each other. They reflect our essential divine potential, for whose liberation and development we practice . Through imagination and identification, we can grow into our true Buddhanature. This is the meaning of the yoga of divinity

Isn`t there a new dualism between our divine potential and our behavior in empirical reality? These two poles are not seen separately in Tantra. The process of unfolding is understood as an organic continuum: just as a flower unfolds its essence to a complete flowering through various phases of growth. In the bud, everything is laid out including the development plan.

In the nondual perspective of the Buddhist Tantra, nothing is excluded and nothing is rejected. Happiness and misfortune, joys and sorrows - all experiences and all forces have their meaning and importance for the unfolding of the whole. Personal misfortune reveals conditioned and interdependent being and is a driving force for spiritual awakening. In this respect, all beings are on the way to Buddhahood. And all beings will reach it because the impulse to grow, to aspire and to mature is the nature of life.

As long as the attachment to suffering is not yet overcome, it promotes our realization and our awakening. To this extent, it has its necessary value. In suffering, liberating forces manifest themselves which lead us back to the truth and the wisdom of life. These powers are portrayed as angry Buddhas, but they are not angry with us. In Buddhism there are no punishing gods. Rather, it is understood that very dynamic energies are called into the plan as a result of our disregard for life. The angry Buddhas with their attributes symbolize our sometimes painful and frightening experiences on the path of liberation.

3. Nondual Practicing

When we start practicing nonduality, we stop complaining and accusing others. We no longer identify ourselves and others as perpetrators or victims. Instead of that we take responsibility for what we have done in the past, its consequences in the present, and learn from it. We are aware that we are now setting the course for the future. This requires considerable courage. The Buddhist word for that is heroism. Those who consistently follow this path until they are completely liberated are called victors"Jinas".

We cease to criticize reality, but we recognize that everything that appears is a consistent continuation of the past. In this respect, everything is coherent, if not pleasing. This results in a completely different attitude towards difficulties and problems. Usually, we think about problems to eliminate them. But how can we make something disappear, that consequently appears as a result of the past that we are unable to influence? Nothing can be undone in retrospect. Our longing for that is understandable but leads into a dead end. We are stuck in regret and impotence. It is possible to change something for the future, we can create other reasons, then the outcome will be different.

The key question for nondual practicing is: What is that good for? We don`t ask why? - rather, for what reason is this happening? How can I use it as an opportunity to develop my spirituality? The following questions may help: what is the root of my suffering, what is to be acknowledged, what is my attachment and what should I let go of – in order to be in deeper harmony with the sacred ground of life. This points forward. We are supported by life when we want to liberate and to unfold ourselves.

Everything that happens in life, has the same importance for the process of spiritual awakening, regardless of where and when - within the family, at work, on your meditation cushion, outside or inside. Everything becomes practice, nothing is excepted. The separation between everyday life and spiritual life ceases to exist. Practicing is always, because everything gives an opportunity to practice: clear perception, insight, love, compassion and wisdom.

4. Embody nonduality

The aim of this permanent exercise is to embody our imminent holiness - our potential for enlightenment - in our human body here and now. That is, to become a fully liberated and awakened human being: a Buddha - in this present life.

Translated from German by Sita Vajramati and Heidi Bigmore

Western and Eastern Ways of Thinking

From Sita Vajramati

Lecture at the celebration of Lama Govindas 120th birthday, 30.9.18, Zalazsanto, Hungary

When Western people study Buddhism, it is natural that they understand the words and concepts through their own cultural prism. However, Buddhist concepts exist in a very different and specific Eastern cultural and philosophical system - which we in the West may find difficult to comprehend instinctively. It is not just about translation. Even the best translation may inadvertently mislead. Whilst we may think we know the words being used in the translation, we may not fully understand their meaning. We may be unaware of the different meaning caused by the thought system in which they are formulated.
This may present a difficulty for Buddhist teachers and disciples because they sometimes may not be aware of how misguided their understanding is.

On my way to becoming a practising Buddhist this caused me some painful experiences. Therefore, I studied both systems in depth in order to work as a facilitator of understanding between the two systems. In this respect I follow the footsteps of Lama Govinda whose 120th birthday we are celebrating today.
I now lead the Dharma centre Schaffhausen and work as a conflict consultant, psychotherapist and leadership-coach in Switzerland, having freelanced for more than twenty years.

An Experiment in Thinking

In this lecture, I want to give an example of the nuances in meaning caused by the differences between the Eastern-Buddhist and the Western-Christian systems of thinking.
In order to enable you to experience this, I invite you to follow me in a little experiment.

I am now going to read a quotation from His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I will only read the first half of his sentence and I want you to finish it spontaneously. Please write down how you would finish this sentence. The Dalai Lama said:

„We can’t be happy without other people therefore we must.....“

Please complete this sentence now in your own words and write it down.

Now I am going to read the second part of the Dalai Lama’s sentence and I would ask you to compare your conclusion with what he actually put forward. This is what he said:

„We can’t be happy without other people, therefore we must train our mind to acknowledge that it does not exist as a separate entity.“

I hope you are as surprised as I was, when I read the sentence for the first time.
I did this experiment too and studied the reactions of my mind in order to find out what might be happening spontaneously in a western mind.

Without Buddhist thinking I came to the conclusion that the end of the sentence might be:
„..We can’t be happy without other people”, therefore we must work on our relationships.
However, the Buddhist way of thinking behind the quotation of the Dalai Lama leads me to a different view, to a deeper level of truth: we can’t be happy without other people because we humans existentially don’t exist in isolation.

In this example, the differences between the Western-Christian and the Eastern-Buddhist way of thinking can be well clarified.
Thinking in a western way - my attention is directed to the outside. Instinctively, I check my social network and I ask myself: is there a weakness or a problem?
My mind creates something external to deal with. I analyse the problem in order to find out what can be done in practical terms to solve it.

Conversely, thinking in an Eastern-Buddhist way, my attention is directed inwards. I must train my mind to become aware of the truth. As humans we can’t exist separately.
The message is, don’t think about the problem but go to its universal root. Instead of trying to solve the problem, accept it in order to gain deeper insight into the nature of being.
The practical thing to do is to train the mind. The ultimate objective of that training is to live and to experience life according to the universal truth.

This is the teaching of the Dalai Lama expressed in the sentence:

We can’t be happy without other people therefore we must train our mind to acknowledge that it doesn’t exist as a separate entity“.

Five Premiss

This quotation contains five premiss of the Buddhist way of thinking, which are alien to the Western way of thinking.
I would like to explain them step by step, in order to show the differences between the two systems and the danger of misunderstanding.

Premis Nr. 1: We must train our mind to become aware

In his process of enlightenment the Buddha discovered that everything that we experience in our life has its source in our mind. Fortune as well as misfortune. To think in this way is absolutely unheard-of for Western people. They think in terms of facts and people who act. They want to isolate single causes, which can be considered as responsible for our controlling action. Then we don’t need to feel helpless, we can plan strategies to deal with problems. All this is projected onto an external source.
When Western people hear that everything is caused by our mind, they understand that the individual is therefore personally guilty of all misfortune in the world. And that can’t be right. Western people think in dualistic terms: either – or, subject or object.

The key word within this misunderstanding is the word „mind“. There are different concepts behind this word in the Eastern-Buddhist and in the Western-Christian systems.

In the West «mind» means thinking, cognition or intellect. It is associated with the head, above, ideas, sky, God, theory, concept or brain.
Whereas in the East, mind is the term for the all-embracing medium of all our feelings, thoughts and actions. It is associated with centre, heart, unity, universality, with the nature of all being. Therefore, to train the mind doesn’t mean to learn a new theory but to fundamentally change how we experience life and how we behave.
How can we do this? - By training the ability of our mind to become aware of what really is.

Premis Nr. 2: Nothing exists as a separate entity

In Buddhist thinking there is nothing at all that exists on its own. Actually, we think and feel and behave as if it did, but when we look deeper we discover something different.
It is not even possible to survive without other humans. We all breathe the same air, live on the same earth and suffer from the same climate change. Globalising makes it more and more obvious. We are absolutely dependent on each other. Whether we like it or not, we have no choice, all of existence is interdependent. It is created and it is kept alive by other beings. This truth is valid everywhere and at any time.

Premis Nr. 3: Because we don’t acknowledge the truth we can’t be happy.

The meaning of this is quite the reverse: if we acknowledge the truth, our suffering will cease and the conclusion is - that therefore we must train our mind. Our suffering is caused by the difference between our thinking and the way things are in reality.
What is reality? What is the real truth? Again, there are deep differences between the two meaning systems.

In the West something is true when it is a matter of fact. When it can be perceived by the senses and when its existence can be proven by the empirical methods of science. If not, it is considered a matter of belief. For this kind of truth, religion is regarded as being responsible.

In Buddhism the „true reality“ or „the real truth“ is only to be found by subjective methods and by deep insight into our own being. And that isn’t a matter of believe but of experience. The Buddha consequently abstained from any metaphysical speculation and the Dalai Lama does as well.

In the process of enlightenment as it is described in the scriptures, the Buddha became all knowing. That does not mean he knew everything. The sutras tell us that he achieved the true knowledge in three aspects.

The first was the true knowledge of impermanence.
Nothing, neither subject nor object, neither body, soul nor consciousness’ lasts for ever. There is no substance only a dynamic process. There is continuity by transformation but no substance that changes.

The second was the true knowledge of interdependency.
Where there is a cause there is a result and where there is a result there is a cause.
Everything exists in a state of interdependence.

The third was the true knowledge of the roots of suffering.
Suffering comes from our blindness. It is caused by our not knowing the truth.

In the Eastern-Buddhist system to acknowledge the truth means to become aware of the fundamental laws of life and to live accordingly. The truth is what is ultimately valid at any time and in any place. Everybody can know it. It is not a question of intellectual education. Such a fundamental law of life is the truth of our interdependency, which means we can’t be happy without other people. And this, the Dalai Lama points out, must be acknowledged.

Premise Nr. 4: We must train our mind to acknowledge.

What does it mean „to acknowledge“ or „to recognize something“? There is a different understanding of these words in the Eastern-Buddhist and the Western-Christian thinking.

For Westerners „to acknowledge something“ is the result of an intellectual activity. We recognize something by thinking about it and than we are aware of it. This process is based on words and concepts.

In Eastern-Buddhist thinking it is different. It is about deep insight through focussing the mind on itself. Then we become aware of the truth. In order to gain true insight we have to go beyond conceptual thinking. It is regarded as an experience that changes our whole being, the body, the soul and the mind.

Both, Eastern and Western people, must be trained in this deep insight because in our modern world conceptual thinking is our first approach. Were this not the case the world would be a better place.

Premis Nr. 5: Change can only happen through mental training.

Western people are not able to understand this conclusion. Because according to their
thinking patterns change is not dependent on mental training. It needs power and political activity.
Obviously - but according to the Eastern-Buddhist system - mental training is not opposed to political activity as we can see when we look at the worldwide engagement of the Dalai Lama. Furthermore political activity will help to make the world a better place only when it is in harmony with the laws and the wisdom of life. And that needs mental training. In the dualistic thinking of Western people without this understanding the Buddhist approach to change the world by mental training seems to be an irrational, idealistic dream.

Summary

Now I would like to summarize the different logics of the two thinking systems.
Western thinking is founded on a concept of duality. Its origin is described in the holy scripture of Christianity. The Bible says: God created the human being and authorized him to rule the earth. When you are born into the western system, whether you believe in The Bible or not, you are conditioned in this dualistic and theistic thinking.
Creator and creation, human and the world of nature, mind and body, subject and object are conceptualized as separate entities. This perception has been functioning for over 2000 years. It is responsible for our disassociation from natural resources and from our own body. The subject is related to the object in terms of benefit. The mind of the individual is cut off from its communion with the universal mind. They seem to be two.

Whereas, in the Eastern Buddhist view reality is conceptualized as a permanent unfolding dynamic process. There is continuity but no beginning and no end in an absolute sense. Everything is in a process of transformation. A static being is nowhere to be found. Therefore dualism is not possible. Subject and object, body and mind, humans and the natural world, plants, animals and human individuals - they all express transient life in different forms. However, from the point of view concerning their true existence, they don’t differ. That means, nothing exists separately and nothing lasts forever, that is their true existence. The Eastern-Buddhist system is nondual and nontheistic.

I hope I have given you an impression of the fundamental differences between the two systems. When Westerners hear Buddhist concepts their initial reaction is based on their own thinking system. For them the „Buddha Dharma“ is just theory or ideology or a moral demand. You can believe it or not. That is natural; there is no reason to judge this negatively. The main point is Buddhist teachers must keep it in mind.

In contrast, for someone born into Buddhist culture these concepts founded on the „Buddha Dharma“ are lived experiences. For them western thinking is just theory or ideology but for Westerners it is how they live and experience life.

Negative consequences

Not being aware of these differences can cause negative consequences. In the worst case, even the opposite of Buddha’s aim to liberate us from suffering. Now as I approach the end of my lecture I would like to outline this danger.

There is a well known quotation from the eighth century Buddhist master Shantideva, which is often cited in Western spiritual scriptures:
’All unhappiness comes from being concerned about my own well-being and all happiness comes from my concern for the well-being of the others.’

Someone who is socialized into the dualistic system of Western Christianity will misunderstand this Buddhist teaching of nonduality as a teaching of morality. He or she will be forced into even more separation between themselves and the others, more disassociation and self-denial and will be proud of it. How can that happen?

It depends on the very specific historical, cultural and religious conditions in the West.
There is a specific kind of determination in the Wssestern psyche, which is derived from the life of Jesus. It works at the level of the subconscious. It says: Sacrifice your own well being in order to serve others and you will gain benefit in a higher realm. That is not compassion that is identification with suffering.

Western Buddhists may therefore not realize the true meaning of Shantidevas message. It says: all beings are equal with the same longing for and the same right to happiness. Don’t believe you are more important than the others.
Based on dualistic thinking Westerners believe the message is: I am not important. The others are important, therefore I must sacrifice my own well being.
Denying their own needs they subconsciously take the role of the victim and identify their ego with a spiritual hero.

That is not Shantideva’s and not Buddha’s teaching but we see that nondual wisdom interpreted in a dualistic system can become harmful.
Those among us who have been denied the right to be an individual in their own right are at most risk of being misguided
They may have been exploited and abused in many ways and therefore they are unable to believe in their own value as a precious human being.

Many spiritual seekers in the West suffer from such traumatic experiences. In order to survive abuse they have been forced to deny their feelings. Therefore they feel empty, desperate and alienated from themselves. They understand Shantidevas quotation: don’t be concerned about your own well being - as a demand to carry on suppressing their own needs. Thus, their concern for the well being of others is not motivated by love but by self hatred.
In Buddhist concepts they may find justification for that.

It is a pity that Buddhist teachers from the East and even often from the West don’t know enough about this psychological determination and its dynamic. Therefore they are not able to avoid the danger of misunderstanding.

I would urge Buddhist teachers in the East and in the West and their followers, to be aware of this and to be mindful of it in their teaching.

„Es ist besser, geliebt und gelitten zu haben, als nie ein Liebender gewesen zu sein.“
Lama Govinda

Wenn man ernsthaft praktiziert, kommt man früher oder später an der Frage vorbei: wie steht es mit meiner Partnerschaft, ist sie förderlich oder hinderlich für den spirituellen Entwicklungsweg? Es kann auch die Angst aufkommen, den Partner zu verlieren, weil er oder sie andere Interessen hat und ein Entfremdungsprozess einsetzt. Oder es entstehen Aggressionen, weil der Partner immer wieder negative Verhaltensmuster aktiviert, die man schon überwunden glaubte. Aber auch Menschen, die alleine leben, fragen sich nach einer Weile des Praktizierens, ob sie sich nicht sozial isolieren und wertvolle Freundschaften verlieren. Umgekehrt gibt es, auch wenn Partner in derselben Richtung buddhistisch praktizieren, keine Garantie dafür, dass die Verbindung hält.

Als Leiterin eines Meditationszentrums sind mir diese Fragen vertraut, ich finde sie normal und wichtig. Auf meinem persönlichen Weg habe ich mich auch damit auseinandersetzen müssen. Da ich über zwei Jahrzehnte hinweg intensiv praktiziere und nicht Nonne bin, kenne ich die verschiedensten Zustände der Liebesbeziehung aus eigener Erfahrung: verliebt, verlobt, verheiratet, getrennt, geschieden, - lebe ich heute zwar alleine aber bezogener den je. Die Herausforderungen, achtsam in Beziehung zu sein, sind dieselben geblieben und die Freuden und Leiden der Paardynamik können sich auch in Freundschaften jederzeit wieder einspielen.

Was ist Paarbeziehung und was passiert mit der Liebe, wenn zwei Menschen länger als Paar zusammenleben? Das will ich im Folgenden untersuchen. Es kann helfen, sich nicht mehr als Opfer einer scheinbar unverständlichen Eigendynamik zu erleben, sondern ihre tiefere, innere Logik zu verstehen. Nur so können die Entwicklungschancen, die in dieser Lebensform liegen, bewusst wahrgenommen werden. Nichts geschieht einfach zufällig, sondern alles hat seine innewohnenden Gesetzmässigkeiten – lehrt der Buddha - so auch die Veränderungen in unseren Paarbeziehungen. Um diese zu erfassen, muss man genau hinschauen: Wie und warum bilden sich eigentliche Paare?

Die Paarbildung beruht auf dem Prinzip der Ähnlichkeit. Was ähnlich ist, zieht sich an. Menschen finden sich, verlieben sich und wählen einander als Partner, weil sie sich gegenseitig erkennen. Das ist keine äussere oder oberflächliche Ähnlichkeit, sondern eine tiefe zunächst unerklärliche Empfindung, einander zu verstehen, zueinander zu passen und füreinander bestimmt zu sein. Die Verständigung geschieht müheloser als mit anderen auch ohne viele Worte. Jeder gibt mit Liebe und Freude, das was er kann, und lässt die Unstimmigkeiten erst einmal beiseite. Die Erfahrung des Glücks der Übereinstimmung oder wechselseitigen Ergänzung ist so stark, dass sie alles andere in den Schatten stellt. Die Quadratur des Kreises scheint gelungen. Im Vertrauen auf diese Möglichkeiten entwickelt das Paar gemeinsame Ziele und Interessen und riskiert es vielleicht, den Bund fürs Leben zu schliessen.

In den Märchenbüchern hört hier die Geschichte mit der Salomonischen Formel :“und wenn sie nicht gestorben sind, so leben sie noch heute“ auf. In der Realität beginnt aber früher oder später nach dem Höhepunkt des Glücks der Abstieg und weil es dafür keine Anleitung gibt, endet die Liebe nicht selten mit dem Tod der Paarbeziehung und führt nicht in eine Transformation. Das ist traurig und beängstigend zugleich und löst in der Regel eine Reihe von Gegenmassnahmen und Rettungsversuchen aus. Sie wären wirkungsvoller, wenn sich das Paar dem stellen könnte, was tatsächlich passiert.

Und was passiert eigentlich? Die Partnerwahl aufgrund unerklärlicher Anziehung hat ihre Rückseite. Es sind eben nicht nur die hellen Seiten des Paares ähnlich, sondern auch die dunklen. Wenn Interessen, Wünsche, Lebensmotive, Eigenschaften, Einstellungen und Verhaltensweisen zweier Menschen zueinander passen, dann auch die Erfahrungen, aus denen heraus sie geboren und entwickelt wurden. Partner wählen einander- das ist zunächst unbewusst- auch aufgrund ähnlicher Verletzungen und existenzieller Grundschmerzen. Sie sind anfangs fasziniert von den Überlebenstechniken, die der jeweils andere entwickelt hat, und erhoffen sich davon auch für sich neue Möglichkeiten. Die unerklärliche Anziehung hat ja zumeist hierin ihren Grund: in der beglückenden Erfahrung tiefer seelischer Übereinstimmung und der darauf gegründeten Hoffnung, einander durch die Liebe heilen zu können.

Das geht auch eine Weile gut, doch dann sind tiefere Entwicklungsprozesse angesagt. Ob sich das Paar diesen stellen kann, ist entscheidend für seinen Fortbestand. Was das heissen kann, möchte ich an einem Beispiel erläutern. Ich nenne die beiden Hans und Lene, die eines Tages in meine Beratungspraxis kamen, und um professionelle Hilfe in ihrer Ehekrise baten. Sie seien mit ihren Möglichkeiten am Ende. Die Ausweglosigkeit hatte sich bei beiden auch körperlich gezeigt: bei ihr erkrankte die Lunge, bei ihm der Rücken. Das Leiden hatte beide zum Nachdenken gebracht, sodass jeder für sich eine Einzeltherapie begonnen hatte. Daran konnten wir nun anknüpfen. Lene schilderte wie ihr durch die Krankheit zu Bewusstsein gekommen sei, dass sie in den Jahren ihrer Beziehung nicht nur für sich, sondern auch für ihn mitgelebt habe, um seine Unlebendigkeit auszugleichen. Jetzt sei sie ausgebrannt und könne nichts mehr geben. Hans war durch sein Leiden klar geworden, dass er gar nicht lebendig sein durfte und lediglich im Funktionieren eine Daseinsberechtigung hatte. So wie beide ihre Geschichte schildern, fällt mir beim Zuhören auf, wie sehr Lene sich auch aktuell noch um ihn sorgt und seine Perspektive übernimmt. Hans scheint von dieser Zuwendung in keiner Weise berührt zu sein, obwohl er grosse Angst vor einer Trennung äussert. Er wirkt auf mich kalt und abweisend. An dieser Widersprüchlichkeit ansetzend, beginnen wir mit dem Ergründen der tieferen Motive.

Folgendes wird offenbar: Hans hatte eine überfürsorgliche Mutter, für die er genauso funktionieren musste, wie sie es vorsah. Er kam als eigenes Wesen mit eigenen Gedanken und Gefühlen nicht vor. Seine Lebendigkeit war aus der Beziehung ausgeschlossen. Er machte es der Mutter recht, wenn er sich äusserlich anpasste und keine Emotionen darüber erkennen liess. Er hatte in seiner Ursprungsfamilie einen paradoxen Liebesbegriff gelernt: Beziehung gibt es für mich nur, wenn es mich nicht gibt. Er verhält sich in der aktuellen Situation also seiner Prägung entsprechend richtig: er nimmt hin, was seine Partnerin für ihn meint, ohne ihr Resonanz zu geben oder etwas Eigenes zu zeigen. Dadurch wirkt er so kalt und unlebendig.

Lene ist in ihrer Ursprungsfamilie komplementär geprägt worden. Bei Spannungen im Familienklima zog sich der Vater in eisiges Schweigen zurück . Es war seine Form, zu bestrafen und Ansprüche geltend zu machen, wenn die Dinge nicht so liefen, wie er es wollte. Darunter litten seine Frau und die Kinder. Lene erhielt dann regelmässig von der Mutter den Auftrag, den Vater wieder zum Reden zu bringen. Das gelang ihr auch. Sie musste also im Dienste der Mutter ihre eigene Lebendigkeit dem Vater zur Verfügung stellen. Das hatte sie als Grundregel verinnerlicht, so durfte sie leben und lieben und zu diesem Preis durfte sie an Beziehungen teilhaben. Sie erlitt die Eifersucht der Mutter und sexuellen Missbrauch durch den Vater. Auch sie verhält sich also ihrem gelernten Liebesbegriff entsprechend korrekt als sie im aktuellen Paargespräch nicht an sich, sondern zuerst daran denkt, wie schlimm eine Trennung für ihren Mann wäre.

Wenn wir jetzt beides zusammensehen, wird deutlich, wie genau die gelernten Beziehungsmuster zu einander passen und wie tragisch sie einander ergänzen und herausfordern, sodass jeder in seiner Rolle fixiert bleibt. Jeder tut das, was ursprünglich als Liebesleistung von ihm verlangt worden war - meint es also gut mit dem anderen - und gleichzeitig fügen die Partner einander erneut die alten Verletzungen zu. Als ob zwei Ketten mit einem automatischen Schnappschloss versehen seien. Das macht ohnmächtig, verzweifelt und aggressiv und die Trennungsabsichten der beiden werden nachvollziehbar. Wir spüren aber auch, welcher Grundschmerz bei aller Verschiedenheit die Partner in der Tiefe verbindet: beide hatten kein Recht auf eine eigene Existenzweise, sie wurden nie um ihrer selbst willen geliebt, sondern für die Zwecke von Vater oder Mutter missbraucht und im Eigenen vernichtet.

Es ist eine Gesetzmässigkeit, dass wir von unseren Eltern die Liebe lernen. Sie sind nun einmal unsere ersten Liebes- und Beziehungspartner und geben uns das weiter, was sie selbst gelernt haben. Ein kleines Kind kann ohne seine Eltern nicht leben und wird alles lernen, was zu tun ist, um an die lebensnotwendige Zuwendung zu kommen. Das prägt unser Erleben und unser Verhalten in emotional abhängigen Beziehungen für das ganze Leben, auch wenn später noch andere Möglichkeiten dazu gelernt werden. Es ist sozusagen unser implizites Beziehungswissen, das besonders dann abgerufen wird, wenn die Verliebtheit in einer Partnerschaft vorbei ist und existenzielle Schwierigkeiten auftauchen. Dann werden die Überlebensgrundmuster aktiviert und es wird immer schlimmer statt besser. In dieser Phase kam das Paar in meine Beratung.

Ohne Kinder hätten sie sich vielleicht getrennt, wie viele es tun, die dann das Heil in einer neuen Partnerschaft suchen. - Es nützt nichts, da die Partnerwahl auf seelischer, buddhistisch ausgedrückt, karmischer Verwandtschaft beruht, landet man früher oder später mit dem neuen Partner am selben Punkt. Stattdessen möchte ich hier Mut machen, die Entwicklungschancen zu nutzen, die in der Paardynamik liegen. Die Liebesverletzungen und die Grenzen des eigenen Liebesvermögens werden erfahren und so offenbar. Und hierin liegt die spirituelle Herausforderung, eine tiefere Liebe zu entwickeln und einander tatsächlich noch durch die Liebe zu heilen.

Der erste Schritt dazu ist, einander nicht mehr zu benutzen, um die Grundschmerzen abzuwehren. Denn so funktionieren stillschweigend die meisten Beziehungen: Wenn Du es mir ersparst, dass ich meinem Leiden begegnen muss, dann liebe ich Dich. Insofern hatte die oben geschilderte Rollenverteilung zwischen Hans und Lene auch ihren stabilisierenden Nutzen für beide. Jeder konnte das weiterleben und anwenden, was er gelernt hatte, und sich dabei gebraucht fühlen. Das ist auf die Dauer keine Lösung. Dann wird die Paardynamik zu einem Hindernis für die spirituelle Entwicklung und das Leiden wiederholt. Die Lösung ist, sich diesen Grundschmerzen zuzuwenden. Liebevolles
Gewahrsein und Wahrhaftigkeit mit sich selbst sind erforderlich, um sie ins Bewusstsein zu holen. In einem zweiten Schritt können sich die Partner einander mitteilen und sich in gegenseitigem Verstehen und Mitfühlen üben. Das wird nur gelingen, wenn jeder Versuch, den anderen für die Ursachen oder die Lösung verantwortlich zu machen, unterbleibt und jeder ganz für sich selbst einsteht. In einem dritten Schritt könnte das Paar zu einem neuen Sinn und einem neuen Ziel des Zusammenlebens finden: Wie können wir unsere Verletzungen und Begrenzungen bewusst in die Liebe einbeziehen. Wie können wir - statt uns gegenseitig in lebensfeindliche Muster hineinzuzwingen – zusammenarbeiten, um uns daraus zu befreien.

© Ute Volmerg, alle Rechte vorbehalten